When you can’t love

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                        Let’s talk about the “F” word. “Family”  isn’t always the easiest part of life to navigate, it can be messy and at times the worst part of life. I grew up in a home where, believing in God wasn’t a must, watching any movies you wanted to was okay, no one said I love you, and my parents believing polygamy is okay. Yes, I come from one of those homes, and I don’t believe it is okay. If you’re a part of one of those families and you’re reading this, you may want to stop now because I don’t think that its biblical. My parents got divorced so that my dad could marry the “sister wife” so she could stay here with the family, then at the beginning of this year they separated. To say my life has been hell since then is an understatement. I cannot stress how much parents need to back off their kids and stop expecting them to take one side or the other, seriously just love your kids. Do not drag them into your drama, that is the worst thing you can do to a kid.

                       I honestly believe it is because of their sin, first they lost their dream house, second they divorced and separated, third they have to sell both houses because they can’t afford anything. Its a timeline of letting their sin rule their lives. This hs all made it very hard for me to love my family. My sister lives with my grandparents in another state, my brother is at his national guard training and I am away at college. I am about to get married and my parents have changed so much. Never before have they ever, come to any of my performances or things I was doing in school, this year, they both came to my senior recital. They are both doing more for me this year than they ever have before. I love my family to death, but it is not always easy. We need to have grace even when it seems like the hardest thing to do.

                    I can say that because of my parents, I grew up fast, I had to be an adult before I could form full sentences. I only had a few years I think of life that I was able to be a child, and that was before I got into elementary school. Honestly, I think I’ve spent so much time running away from my life that I won’t ever remember anything before my surgery at 15. I have prayed for my family everyday since I became a Christian, which is six years. I am at the point where all I can do now is love them. I have to love them and show them grace when its appropriate. I still find it hard to communicate with my family and often I’m okay with going months without talking to them because I am so used to being on my own. Being dependent is hard for me because I never really have let myself willingly be dependent.

                    I do know this, even if your family sucks, and do things that suck, you have to love them. You don’t have to like what they are doing and it is okay to tell them that, sometimes they need to hear that. You still need to love them, when it hurts, when its messy, when they are making you angry, when they do something stupid, when they hurt you. You need to love them, and sometimes loving them takes place by removing yourself and being in an environment that is healthy for you. Then you can heal and love them. God wants to heal our hearts, but we have to let Him, and when we do, He truly transforms our hearts into loving and vibrant organs that shine His love to others.

                All this to say, when you feel like you can’t love anymore, remember, God has called us to love and He is always with us. His love allows us to love others, let Him heal your heart, and you will be able to love them again.

Much love,

M

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