Last night on the way back from church, my soon-to-be husband and I had a heated discussion. When things finally settled down and we were driving in silence, I said sorry that I took my stress out on him. He of course, took it as he always does, and said it was fine and asked me why I was stressed. Before I knew what was going on, tears started falling down my cheeks. He got concerned and told me that we had been together for three years, its time that I start telling him specifics about why I was upset. I sighed and took some deep breaths, and started unloading the stress of school, my parents and their drama, my roommate dropping our friendship, and not getting enough sleep. At the end of all of that I told him I was frustrated and confused about what to do after graduation.
This is where I think sometimes, women can underestimate the wonderful intelligence of their men, he said “You’re so organized that not knowing what you’re going to do scares you… but thats life, you’re not always going to know whats coming next.” and I was blown away. He was right. I am a planner, I am organized, I love to know what I have going on and what God is going to do with my life. I spend so much time looking toward the future and wanting to know what comes next that I forget about the present moment. I let the things I have no control over, stress me out. Today I mulled over his words through out the day.
God won’t tell us everything that is going to happen, we won’t always know what our next step is going to be, but one thing can help us along the way… being faithfully obedient to the word of God. We always have to lean on Him, when we lean on ourselves, thats when we become depressed, lonely, anxious, scared. When we lean on God, and trust His time, we experience the joy He has meant for us to enjoy and discover. I always tend to hyperventilate when things start to go faster than I can catch up. I’ve had to learn that God has me, I can trust Him. I bent down on my knees during worship Sunday night, telling God “I feel like I keep reaching and I almost get there but I just don’t get there for some reason. I want to be free, I’m so tired of having this on my shoulders, to feel like I am judged for my anxiety. I need to hear from you, I need the confusion to stop and my mind and heart to be calm”
I felt hands on my head and on my back and I heard the things I had just been praying silently being prayed by two ladies beside me. God answered me, and even though I am not sure what all the answers are, He gave me freedom. He is growing a braveness in me, a confidence, He wants me to see myself the way He sees me. When I woke up this morning I could feel some of the weight lifted off. God is bringing me into a new season, and I know that everything is going to be okay because I finally let go. I unclenched my tightly gripped hands. I really opened my hands with my heart and let God in, I let Him in to heal my heart.
I’m telling you brothers and sisters, its such a freeing thing to lean on God and open your hands, and allow His plans to wash over you at the right time, and just lean into His presence and embrace!