This year has had many ups and downs, and it has consisted of me falling off the grid quite a few times. What happened?
Well, it wasn’t just one thing but the best way I can describe it is; life got to my anxiety and my anxiety got to me. When you’re pregnant there are very few medications you’re allowed to take. For me that means many migraines and sometimes out of control anxiety.
If you’re a follower you probably know that I have social anxiety. For awhile it was great, I was on medication, seeing a counselor and working through myself with the Lord. When I got pregnant I really had to stop everything I was doing and reorder my life.
Unfortunately since I’ve had my daughter my anxiety seems to have become worse again. It’s not where it was in high school thank goodness but it’s not where I would like to be. I go through weeks where my anxiety has me feeling like I’m holding on to the edge of a cliff and scar from the lion king is threatening to remove each finger until I fall.
Stress has caused me to gain weight again which I turn has caused me to obsess about what I eat. I haven’t done that in a long time and because I obsess over what I eat, I find it hard to eat in front of anyone because I feel like they are judging me.
That feeling has made it very easy to keep myself at home. I don’t want to be seen by other people. It’s made me feel uncomfortable about going to church because I don’t want anyone seeing how big I am. Anxiety makes it very easy to think things that aren’t true and don’t make sense.
Nowadays I find myself thinking about whether or not someone thinks I’m a good person or weird during a conversation instead of paying attention to them. My hands have begun to sweat like they used to whenever I talked to someone, my headaches are coming more often, I’m always tired and I can’t find the motivation to do things I like.
So if you’re wondering what happened, this is it; anxiety got to me. I’m trying to work past it but I know, it’s going to take a lot for me to get back to where I was. My head sort of feels foggy and I constantly have this feeling that I’m out of control and my thoughts won’t seem to stop long enough for me to think.
I know I’m not alone and I know there are things that can help. For now, though, I’m just trying to take one step at a time and trust that God will lead me back out of my head and into the heart.