The strings buzz with each pluck and strum, my voice rings out through an empty house as the baby sleeps. Sunday mornings make me nervous but I can get through them, but when it comes to singing for enjoyment or for others I get too scared. If he wakes I stop for fear of what he’ll think, I know he loves me and he thinks its beautiful, but my soul is still fearful and afraid.
At night the inspiration comes the most and the quickest, but I feel lazy and unmotivated to put it down. Its just my mind saying it won’t be good enough so why even do it. A constant battle of being vulnerable happens each and every day.
Its hard to explain. I feel the excitement and the passion fill every inch of myself, from my fingertips through my back. Everything in me relaxes at once and feels so joyful but I can’t bring myself to let others see it. I can’t let them see the process, its too intimate, too vulnerable.
Why can’t I let others in? What will they see? Will they understand my pain? Will they understand the freedom and the happiness? Will they experience the feeling of letting go? Will they see someone chained to the earth? I don’t know.
I record a video. I delete it. I put the sleek instrument down and go back to being just me. My soul says to let go and do it, but my brain says be logical and smart. I can’t let them see. No one can see.
You see if I did let go, the word everyone would see scrawled on my skin…